Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Rejection, by Dylan Moran

Embedding for the video has been disabled, but here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS1NOXWVWgo

And here's the script. An amazing piece of wit:

Dear Mr Black,

I’m afraid your novel is unsuitable for us at the present time and herewith return your manuscript. I do hope you are not disheartened by this rejection.

Best wishes,

Barnaby Chessington-Howe-Foxforth






Dear Mr Chessington How Fucks For Thee,

Thank you for returning my manuscript, and your enclosed nasty niminy piminy little note.

I am afraid YOUR letter is most unsuitable for ME at the present time as I’ve just spent the entire weekend writing the novel that you have summarily rejected. I can only presume that it’s company policy to reject all manuscripts not submitted in ten foot high braille. And yes, I am aware that it is traditionally bad form to respond to any kind of criticism or rejection, but in this as with all else I am an innovator, therefore I may freely address you as… pissmidget!

Still, there’s time for you to change your views and I think you will when we meet and meet we most assuredly will, when I suck out your eyes and use them as stoppers for my ears to muffle the screams you'll make as I head-butt you into a fine paste. I do hope you will not be disheartened by your sudden, violent death.

Yours faithfully,

Bernard Black.

(Back to novel writing): “Everyone… Everyone agreed he was right to kill the publisher. And to do it with with a flugal horn was a stroke of genius!

‘Bernard!’, they said. No, Brendan. Brendan. ‘Brendan,’ they said. ‘Congratulations. Here: have this basket of stuff and come and stay for the weekend.’”


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